A survivor of prayer swatting

So... I was finally the subject of an attempted spontaneous prayer swatting at an Austin mall a little while back.

A what?

"Prayer swatting" is a modern American Evangelical phenomenon in which the "swatters", typically a smallish group of related or unrelated "faithful" (especially cringe-worthy when children are drafted), approach a stranger in public, who they surmise is "afflicted", usually through the visual cue of looking homeless/disheveled, a device such as cane/crutches/casts/slings/splints, or a wheelchair. They walk right up to you, en masse, and ask intrusively, with a faux polite aire, "do you mind if we ask what your injury/ailment is?"... oblivious to the stark reality that most sane people WOULD mind and that their approach is usually jarring and unwanted. If you are caught completely off-guard (duh) and make the mistake of answering, they then say some version of "oh my" with manufactured pious pity in their eyes, furthering their narcissistic assault with "can we stand and pray with you?", while sometimes making the gesture of trying to lay their grubby hands upon your person.... willfully ignorant to the notion that their actions may be reasonably perceived as assault by the majority of us who are sane (evangelicals are NOT sane... FULL STOP... sorry, not sorry).

In my case, it was four middle-aged white women, casually dressed, approaching me while I and my teenage emo child, Mars, waited at a mall entrance as Becky fetched the car, one hot Sunday afternoon. I was caught completely off-guard by the initial approach. After making the mistake of reflexively responding with "ALS", and their predictable prayer pitch, I stoutly restrained the white-hot magma of contempt that instantaneously erupted beneath my facade to hold up my hand and sternly state "NO". As they began to protest, I said "STOP, this is not necessary". They stared back stunned, meekly responded "ok, god bless" and thankfully scurried off. Maybe my face outwardly conveyed far more of the anger and annoyance I was feeling than I thought my restrained words had. Maybe my response was loud and abrupt enough to portray it. But it left me trembling... with so much anger and contempt, that it took me a while to shake off... and much longer to process.

Living in Texas, a melting pot of colors, cultures, and religious traditions, one can never be sure exactly what to expect when you are out in public... even in a city like Austin. The original laid-back, hippy-tinged, "Keep Austin Weird" and "you do you" vibe has been replaced, unfortunately, by a heady soup... of tech bros, social media influencers, woo girls, fitness freaks, granola brigades, chemically influenced, inglorious hipsters, wealthy-white-woman-SUV-driving mothers, evangelical pious freaks, variety of typical teenage cliques (they never change), MAGAts, self-indulgent libertarians, and the "checked out" zombies among the rest of us... relatively normal people (I include mindful liberals and "centrists" in that) who are just trying to navigate all the bullshit and survive another day/week/month/year. Most days and public places, a person doesn't have to be vigilant about the possible assault on their senses and sensibilities coming from some less-constrained acolyte of said performative crap. Chances increase when attending any of the numerous public and semi-public happenings which occur at any given day in this no-longer-sleepy metropolis. You can usually discount running into the Jesus-is-my-best-friend crowd at any of the more vice-centric (evil music/alcohol/drugs and immodest displays of body and affection) opportunities also found in abundance (and my personal favorites). Though, some of the more obnoxiously devout will take it upon themselves to try to "save souls" as such events. My guess is that they are secretly digging the show on and off stage (sad closeted freaks). Sadly, you won't completely escape many of the other annoyances, but those can be mitigated with internal resolve, friends, or assistive substances (alcohol can cut both ways... drugs must be applied with caution due to varying effects dependent on variety).

The aforementioned performative piety is not acceptable... and definitely not cool! If you can bitch about the immodesty of some people in the way they dress publicly, or the lack of Jesus-ness of those outside your little pious cliques, then I can call you out for being such obnoxious pricks. You do you... but keep it to yourself... ya freaks. Current disturbing media-hyped political and cultural proclivities aside (fuck Mike Johnson and Franklin Graham among so many others), it's still not a socially acceptable behavior to publicly engage in. Have I made my point clear?

I guess this is the world I live in now, for my remaining days. Over time, I may experience this more frequently even as I venture out less and less (I hope not!). My situation will be more obvious as I transition to relying on more equipment to sustain an existence (To be honest, I'm struggling with those thoughts right now... but that's an exploration for another day). I wish we could go back to people keeping their damn religious devotion to themselves. Religious evangelism is NOT the virtue its followers think it is. And prayer swatting is not an effective example of "living in Christ". Wanna do something? Go volunteer at organizations that serve the needs of so many people who need it, rather than trolling the mall... and keep your pious mouths shut.